Dads, or, Into the Man Cave

One topic that comes up in workshops and in conversation on an all too regular basis is that of trying to figure out dads in the special education process.  The problem with this topic is that it is not a small one.  Certainly this is not a topic that can be answered in one quick article in a blog.  So what I’ll try and do is talk about this over several postings. 

I will start by spending some time giving you an idea how us dads tend to think, where we come from with this, and then, finally, how to deal with these issues and help get dad more involved in the special education process.

So let me begin to shine some light for you into the man cave….

In understanding dads’ roles and involvement in families with special needs and in the special education process, you must first try to understand the mindset most men have as they enter this environment.  Think about how we are brought up.  What kinds of lessons are we taught?  I’m not talking about school, but about the education we receive from our dads, grandfathers, uncles, role models, etc. about how we are supposed to act as adult men.  

Men are raised with a core understanding about their roles in a family.  Men are taught that their primary job is to protect and provide for the family.  True or not, in our modern society, culturally we are brought up to do whatever we need to keep our families safe and to do whatever we need to provide for the family.   This education begins very early in our lives and is pervasive.  These lessons are passed down from our fathers and grandfathers.  We also see it in movies – think John Wayne, Lord of the Rings movies, Indiana Jones, on television, etc….   No matter what, we are supposed to protect and provide.

The next thing to understand about us men is that part of protecting and providing for our families is that we are raised not to show weakness.  Call this by whatever name you want, machismo, bullheadedness, stupid, whatever.  Ladies, how many of you have dated (or married) a man who when hurt or sick, doesn’t want to go to the doctor?  How many of you know guys who still talk about how they played hurt or ignored injuries playing sports in high school or college?    The truth is that such behaviors are pretty common and are not new.  Think back on your history; say to the early days of society.  If you are hunting a mammoth or protecting the tribe from a cave bear, showing weakness and hurt may easily wind up making you a target and getting you killed, as well as that which you are trying to protect. 

Now trace forward into some literature.  Read Henry V’s St. Crispin’s Day speech as written by one of my favorites, William Shakespeare in the play “Henry V”.  Henry’s speech to his troops before the battle of Agincourt touches on these themes.  He talks about the honor of shedding one’s blood for England and how other men in England would hold their ‘manhoods cheap” because they were not with Henry and his band.  Henry also talks about how those men with him at Agincourt will be remembered when they show their scars and how no matter what social class his soldiers are from, they will be his brothers.  This is the speech where the phrase ‘Band of Brothers’ comes from.    All of this sounds familiar today when you put guys together and listen to them.  Now, let’s skip forward to our time. 

Anyone ever see the Keanu Reaves movie called “The Replacements”?  It is a football movie.  Near the end, his team needs a touchdown.  His players are beat up and hurting.  The Keanu Reaves character comes into the huddle and says, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.”  Sound familiar? Pretty much like what Shakespeare had to say, isn't it?

So, what have we learned at this point?  Men’s cultural roles include protecting and providing for their families, and that showing weakness is not a good thing.

Right now, I will leave it at this.  Next, however, I will get into the subject of dads and emotion, and see how this links to what is written above and how that all impacts dads and their relationships and involvement in special education.  See you next time…..