Dads, or Into the Man Cave - Part II

This is the 2^nd part of a 3 part series of articles on dads.  If you are just joining us, I would suggest reading the 1^st article as well.  In part 1, we talked about dads and their perceptions of their role in the world.  Now it is time to take on the next part, namely that of dads and how we deal with emotion. 

There is a reason that there is a whole class of movies that are known as ‘Chick Flicks’.  That reason is central to the 2^nd part of the Man Cave.  Simply put, the vast majority of men are not particularly comfortable with dealing with emotion and emotional issues.  We just don’t like sappy movies, and things that might make us want to cry are pretty much verboten.  Remember, nothing that shows weakness is particularly good to most men.  We’re taught to ‘man up’, and be strong.  Remember this discussion in part I? 

Nothing says soft to most men like getting weepy over something.  Being soft is the last thing a man wants to appear as, especially if his male social group is nearby.  Think about it, how many of you ladies maybe dated a man who was all cuddly or hand-holding in private, but was completely different when in public or around his buddies?  I know a few guys who were that way with their girlfriends, and I bet you do, too.  This is that dynamic. 

Emotion is really troubling for a lot of guys as well because it is something that we cannot control and we cannot fix.  For most guys, emotion says something to us that may require us to respond accordingly.  That starts a whole raft of considerations based on dealing with a dynamic most of us have tried to avoid whenever possible and trying to fit it into context of the existing situation.  Not easy for most guys when they are on the spot….  In other words, it puts us in a situation that makes us uncomfortable. 

We also cannot fix someone’s tears.  This leaves us guys feeling somewhat helpless.  We can’t get the duct tape out or the nail gun or the superglue and put things back together.  Remember, we’re supposed to be proactive and fix problems and protect the tribe (see article #1 if you don’t understand this context).  But with tears, we can’t do that.  We have just stand there and try and be comforting.  It makes us feel weak.

Then on top of all this, imagine how it makes him feel if the cause of all this is a child, particularly his child, who happens has a disability.  From the man’s immediate perspective, he can’t fix anything, he can’t take away the grief or upsetting emotion, he can’t make things better, he can’t protect his spouse or his offspring, and he sees all the concerns and fears about the future. 

So what does he do?  He falls back on his upbringing and tries to ‘man up’ and be strong.  He tries to be the pillar of support for his family.  Sometimes this simply overwhelms him.  Sometimes he pulls away into what is perceived as an emotionless shell – that pillar of stone.  Sometimes he tries to drop into those cultural roles we talked about in the first article and provide by working even more.  It is what he knows how to do.  And sometimes, if you are really lucky, he gets it, and is able to work through those issues and be there for the family the way you hoped.  And sometimes he maybe gets part way there. 

Realize, however, that he isn’t in a position where he doesn’t care.  Often, he is in a position where he doesn’t know how to properly express it.

It is funny, when I was dating my wife my senior year in college, my roommate, who was and is a good friend and one of the nicest people you will ever meet came back to our dorm room from a party where he had imbibed just a wee bit too much.  He wanted to do something and I passed on it.  My girlfriend (now wife) was there, and he looked at her and said, “IT IS YOUR FAULT!  YOU HAVE DOMESTICATED HIM!!!”  And then he left.  We laughed until our sides hurt that evening.  The next day my roommate was aghast he had done that and apologized profusely.  We just laughed some more.  Eventually he got the humor. 

I tell that story for a reason, because in the next article, we are going to talk about how you can help dad deal with these issues and become more able to cope with these situations and become more involved in these emotional situations.  But understand, moms, it will be a slow process, and takes smarts and patience on your part.  But we will talk about that in part III.