There are times that I need to go the man cave and hide for an hour or two. I promise you I am not the only man out there who does this. In truth, I would expect that there are far more of us dads who have their own personal version of the man cave than do not. The man cave does not need to be an actual place. It is, in reality, more a state of mind.
The man cave is a place where many of us go that lets us clear the head, remove some of the stresses of life for a period of time and re-balance our priorities. It is also a place that if we are allowed to visit every so often, allows us to be a better father and a better husband. You see, many of us we are brought up to believe that it is our responsibility to take care of, provide for, and protect the family. It is our job, and our job alone, to do those things. As much as we may love our spouse and as much of a partnership our relationship is, there will always be that piece in each man that says that it is his job alone to lead the family successfully through the shoals and vicissitudes of life and into a safe harbor. No matter how rational or understanding a guy is, this belief has been ingrained in us by our fathers and grandfathers, like it was by their fathers before them. Unfortunately, this is very stressful. Much of it is self-made stress, but it is still real and to some degree, debilitating. It impacts reason and impacts decision-making. It impacts relationships and how we deal with those around us. Often, it can be compounded by stresses that don’t go away, such as worrying about raising a child with a disability, and maybe not being able to figure a way to ‘fix’ all the problems and issues that come about. And, if you are a woman, please understand that for a man, the impact of the stress and the resulting behaviors can be something uniquely male.
Please understand, also, I know and accept (as all men do) that there can be just as much stress on the woman in the family. Truth is, you just seem to deal with those stresses better when it comes to raising a family. I know I am constantly amazed, even after 25 years of marriage and 20 years of raising a child with a disability, by my wife’s ability to push through frustrating issues and concerns and stresses while still maintaining an incredible level of calmness and control.
The retreat to the man cave is often our way of resetting the mechanism. The cave allows us to take some time in our heads to think through or reorder what is happening. We can prioritize and take that breath, and get our act together without interruption to break up that process. Take my word for it, that little bit of time matters. Maybe it is kind of like going to your ‘happy place’ for a while. All I know is when I need that time, my wife has been great about letting me take it. I find that I usually come out of my cave as a better person. I am happier, calmer, less stressed, more able and willing to discuss things, and overall, feeling better about myself and more willing to take on the normal challenges of that occur in any family. So, ladies, just a quick thought. When you see your husband getting that urge to go to the man cave (either mentally or physically), let him. You just might be surprised how much it can make dad more a part of things, and may help the rest of the family stop needing to feel like they are walking on eggshells, or living next to Mount St. Helens.
