Dads, or Into the Man Cave – Part III

This is the 3^rd part of a 3 part series of articles on dads.  If you are just joining us, I would suggest reading the 1^st and 2^nd articles as well.  In part 1, we talked about dads and their perceptions of their role in the world.  In part 2, we talked about dads and emotion.  Now it is time to take on the final part, and talk about how you can help dad be more involved.

In the first 2 parts of this series, we talked about dads’ perception of their place in the world and how they deal with emotion.  Now we need to move into what you moms need to do to help dads over their hurdles and become more involved in their families, especially those that have children with special needs.

So, where do we start?  First, when approaching a dad who is dealing with the confluence of some of the issues we talked about in those first 2 parts in this series, you moms need to understand that dads must be approached gently.  Yelling, lecturing, or telling us that we need to get our act together or wanting to know what planet we just landed from will have the exact opposite reaction from what you want.  That kind of approach will simply send your man running for his man cave to hide out, and he will start walling off the entrance. 

Let the dad you are dealing with know that he matters, and his opinion is important to you and you value what he thinks (no matter how far out in left field it may be!).  We guys need to know we actually matter when it comes to raising our families!  Try and work with whatever he is willing to give to you.  Believe it or not, dad needs to understand that his input is important in other than a role of protector and provider.  Remember, we will typically defer to you on child rearing and what we perceive as nurturing or touchy-feely roles.  These are things we are not usually comfortable with.

Also express how important he is as a role model for the children, and that you are with him because you value him for all of those things – you two are a team and the situation needs both of you to work together.  The truth is that often, guys aren’t really sure of their place in the family raising role.  They need that reassurance that they aren’t going to look foolish in your eyes or the children’s eyes. 

Get him (gently) to talk about involvement with the child – particularly a child with a disability.  Suggest alternative activities that he can do with the child other than the typical things like sports or other standard activities that may not be available or practicable in every situation.  Get him thinking outside the box and understanding the child looks up to him and wants his involvement and approval.  Again, moms, you have to walk a fine line and not allowing frustration to show through.  

The last thing to do – and this is the nuclear option – is to ask one specific question.  Ask it.  This question has no right or wrong answer, and you may not get an answer at all, but asking it will plant an important seed that will germinate in his mind.  It may take hours, days, weeks, or even months, but believe me, it will be there in his mind and will work on him and drive him to the right response. 

The question is, “Do you want your child to think about you like you think about your dad?”  If he had a great dad, the answer will be yes, and over time he will want to be that person.  If he had a lousy dad, the answer will be no, and he will want to do everything possible to not be that person.   Again, he may never answer you, but he will think.  Just lay that question (in a nice way, in a calm way, in a non-aggressive way) out there, and let it sit.  He will think on it.

Finally, realize that this is not necessarily a fast process.  You might get lucky, but the truth is, it may take time, sometimes a lot of time to get dad moving.  Give him the time, keep encouraging, and don’t give up.  Dads want to do the right thing.  Sometimes it is just hard for us.  Have patience and perseverance.  Keep at it!