Come Home With Your Shield

Go tell the Spartans, you who passeth by, That here, obedient to their laws, we lie. 

                                                            -Simonides of Ceos;

epitaph for the Spartan Dead at Thermopylae

It is said that in ancient Sparta, when the men went to war, their wives sent them off by telling them, “to come home with your shield, or on it.”  In other words, come home victorious or come home dead.  When Greek allies asked for assistance from Sparta in war, it was not unusual for Sparta to send one battle commander.  When one ally supposedly questioned the value of sending only one Spartan warrior, the Spartan supposedly replied that Sparta had sent more soldiers than the ally had.  The meaning was that Sparta trained their men as soldiers as a career.  The other city states of Greece, the men were soldiers when needed, but not by vocation.  The Spartans were renowned for their bravery and their willingness to fight against all odds, and to resist surrender.  Whenever they felt they were threatened, they were ready to go to war.

Not too long ago I met a family that reminded me of the Spartans.  As a matter of fact, I meet a fair number of families who would have been right at home with some of these concepts from ancient Sparta (we won’t talk about the other things the Spartans did – particularly how the dealt with children who were disabled).  My point is that when it comes to defending a child, especially one with a disability, and especially if they believe that child is somehow being wronged, these parents will fight against all odds and all evidence they may disagree with, for what they believe their child needs.

I truly and fully understand where these parents are coming from, being the parent of a child with special needs myself.  Too often, they do not have the right information, or do not have all the information, or have developed strong beliefs and will not listen to that which goes against their beliefs.  I respect this obstinacy.  They are doing what they believe is in the best interest of their child.  What else should a parent do?

So what should a teacher or other staff person do in these situations, especially if it is one where the parents may not, in the opinion of the staff and the face of all information and evidence available, be making a wise set of educational choices for their child?  First, you have to be honest with the parents with your beliefs and why.  That is your professional duty to the family and to the child.  But there is more that you need to do. 

Try and reconnect with the family.  Try and help them understand that you are not their enemy.  Try and help them understand you also want to help their child succeed.  Try and help them understand that while you may disagree, you still respect their support for their child, and you would hope they would respect you for giving your honest, professional assessment and recommendations on how to help their child, even if they disagree with you.  Too often the emotion of the situation for a family (and sometimes for a professional) can turn what is an honest disagreement about educational needs into a personal animosity.  If you can keep the situation as an honest disagreement – and this is very, very hard to do with all the emotion involved in special education – you have the opportunity, at a minimum, to keep lines of communication open.  As long as those lines of communication stay open, the possibility of eventual positive resolution, no matter how faint they may be now, still exist.  Try and do what you can. 

I also understand, from the professional’s viewpoint, how frustrating these situations can be.  Remember, no matter how much you may care about that child, it will not touch the feelings that the parents deal with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.  Those feelings are hard to put aside or control, especially when advice goes against the parent’s deepest desires.  Keep alive the flame of opportunity.  Keep alive the hope that against all the adversity, the lines of communication can be kept open between district and family, and will one day be able to bear fruit for that child.  That often becomes your task, as a teacher and as a professional.