Change Happens

I had a boss a few years ago (one of the smartest persons I think I have ever had the privilege to know) who used to tell all of us that in a large part of our lives and careers, we would have to deal with change.  A small percentage of that change we could control, but there would be much of it we could not.  Part of making our jobs and our lives easier was learning how positively influence those things we could change, while learning to accept and adapt to those things we could not. 

How very hard that was for me then to accept and adapt to changes that I could not control….  I would waste time fussing about things that I could do nothing about.  Time that I could have used working to improve the things I could change.  I think most of us do that.  I still do at times, to be honest.  But I can also say that I learned a great deal from that person, and one of them was how to let go of many of the things I cannot control and not waste precious time and energy that I could be devoting to something useful.  I find myself looking at things now and asking myself if I can do anything about a particular change that may arise (positive or negative) and deciding if it is something that I can impact or not.  If not, I try and let it go.  While I do have a tendency to be wound up a little, I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Simple, as parents you are all in the countdown to the RETURN TO SCHOOL!  Every school year brings on a raft of changes.  From new teachers to new students to different bus schedules to new schools, there are many, many things that will change inside the basic school routine.  This can be stressful for any family with school age children.  Even more so for families with children with special needs.

So, I ask you – will you waste your precious time and energy raging against the wind, trying to force a change on an issue that is out of your control, and often out of the control of those in the schools that you work with?  Or will you try to see the change for what it is and see where you can make a difference and use your precious resources there?

I want to ask all of you, as the school year gets ready to start, to take a deep breath and look at those changes that are coming for you and your child and sort through them before responding.  Figure out what is good, what is problematic, what is changeable, and what isn’t.  If you are not sure, ask.  But once you know, take the time to evaluate the new world and determine how to move forward.  Think first, and then act.  Help foster change where it is possible instead of dashing yourself to shreds on a seawall. 

Give this a try.  You may find that you are more able to take a breath, help your child, and build a relationship that is positive with your school.  And maybe keep your hair from falling out as well. 

New Video Resource

OSBD & RMTC has set up a new web resource for parents, teachers, professionals and others interested in parent issues, deafness issues, and/or blindness issues.  This site has informational videos related to all three areas.  As we can produce them, we will add more.  There are several that I know are currently under development for addition to the site.  I think this can be a valuable resource for anyone interested in one or more of these topics.  Take a look!

You can access this site at http://vimeo.com/rmtcosbd/channels or see the link labeled "OSBD & RMTC Videos".

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

We live in a world that is highly results oriented.  The grade, the job review, how much money we earn, are you a starter on the team or a reserve, did you make the team, all are evaluations we seem to make in our society to determine both levels of success and of effort.  We see articles about ‘tiger moms’ who will force their children to succeed at all costs, or people who make value judgments on the worth of a person by results based on competition and not on who that person truly is.  All those measures tell us much about a person at one level, but not at all levels. 

Another method of evaluation is the old, “keeping up with the Joneses” measuring stick.  How do I compare or how do my children compare with those of my neighbor?  One thing I have learned over the years, one thing that was taught to me by raising a child with special needs, is that most of these measures truly do not matter.  They say little about who a person is or what that person’s true worth is.  Defining success as being faster or stronger or more attractive or more academically successful is really using definitions that are really fleeting measures.  Speed and strength disappear with age and injury.  It is the truly rare individual that is intellectually more gifted in every area than everyone else.  A DaVinci or a Galileo or an Einstein possibly fit this role, but even so, they are the rare exception.  But even so, those evaluations change – did you know that early in Einstein’s life, there were concerns that he may have been ‘slow’ because he did not begin to speak until a couple of years later than other children when growing up?

So what I have learned is the need to try and evaluate everyone based on who they really are.  Is this person, no matter what is happening, truly a ‘good’ person?  Does that person want to do the best that they can? Does that person care, to the best of their ability, about others?  Does that person, to the best of their ability, have empathy for others?  Bottom line, what kind of person is that person at their core? 

So, what does this have to do with working hard or hardly working?  Let me tell you the story of 2 classes.  As many of you know, my son, Ian, is deaf and has cerebral palsy.  He also just completed his first year at the local community college.  For the most part, his grades have been pretty good.  However, he had 2 classes where he had, for lack of a better description, grade anomalies.  He failed an Algebra class and received a D in an English Composition class. 

In the algebra class, we saw it coming.  Ian was cocky about algebra.  Now mind you, he usually is a good math student.  However he believed he ‘knew this stuff’.  Wrong.  He decided there wasn’t any need to worry about studying for that class or doing the optional homework.  You see he knew that stuff.  He dug a hole that, by mid-semester, he was frantically trying to dig himself out of.  Guess what, it didn’t happen.  Now, his other classes that semester were all ‘A’ grades, but he put the effort into studying.  We were irritated with the ‘F’, to say the least.

In the English Composition II class, Ian received the D.  But he knew from the minute he started he was going to have to work, and did.  He worked hard, and you know what, we saw significant improvement in his writing skills during the course of the course.  And we were proud of that D.

So what is the difference?  The difference was the difference between working hard and hardly working.  You see, he had the capability to be successful in the algebra class and chose not to use his skills and abilities.  He did not use his abilities or put forth the effort.  He did not attempt to live up to who he is or who he can be.  These are core issues to who you are as a person.  This is the ‘hardly working’.

In the English Composition II class, Ian worked hard.  He pushed himself to be as good as he could be.  We saw the effort and how hard he worked trying to better himself.  He worked hard to become better at something and strengthen himself.  We saw that success, the improvement in skills as the semester went on.  He was trying to be the best he could be.  Whether the grade would have been an A or a D, it did not matter.  What mattered was the effort he was putting into it.  That is something to be proud of and is the ‘working hard’.

So what happens in the future?  Ian will take both classes again. Probably in the fall semester to get them cleaned up.  I don’t think, ‘hardly working’ will be an issue for algebra again.  He identified the issue and we’ve talked it through.  Ian learned from it.  Now he will work to correct the algebra.  In English Composition class, he will take it again as well, and keep working hard to improve an area of weakness for him.  I am not worried.  I won’t be judging him against someone else or someone else’s standard.  I will be judging him against himself. I know he will do his best, and no matter the result, that is what is important and that will serve him well throughout his life.

Validation

The posting that follows was not written by me.  It actually came to me from one of the professors at the community college that our son, Ian, attends.  It is simply a short writing assignment, on any topic the student wanted to write about.  It was NOT written by Ian, but actually by another student in the class.  I'm not posting the name for that student's privacy. 

The reasons I'm posting this are twofold, and really aren't about Ian or about us (at least the big point, anyway).  I'm posting it because I know that every parent of a child with a disability goes through what we do, that constant fear and self-questioning of every decision we make concerning our child from the time he was born until now - the asking ourselves if we are doing the right things and making the right choices.  Also, I want you to think as well about the point I make in many of my workshops - that our children need to be exposed to the world.  Our children not just learn from the world, but in many ways are ambassadors from the world of  those who have disabilities.  Our children help to teach those in the world around us who have no exposure to the disabled community that our children are people, too, and have something to offer to the world.  Please think about those points as you read this.  To me, this is validation, unbidden, but nevertheless appreciated.   I hope you see it as such in your lives, in the bigger picture, that maybe we are all doing the right things and fighting the good fight.  It matters.  The author did not write this for others to read, but to express something that has made him/her more aware of what it means to be human.  Thanks,   - Mark

Most people just walk around life being normal and not having any worries in the world.  Not all people, but most of the human race just closes their eyes and turns their back to someone in need.  I just do not get how we all can take walking around, looking at the world, hearing and tasting, and every day take that all for granted.  For instance we all can wake up and have a bad day.  Then mope around and complain about our lives when it could be so much more worse.  Let's just say I had a disability and out of nowhere it came about.  I would either be very depressed and not showing expression to live, or I would be thankful for what God has blessed me with and be thankful for what I still have.  That is where my buddy Ian comes into play.  He has the best outlook on life, very smart, and dedicated to his work and schooling.  Pretty much what we should all strive to be.  It just shows how much dedication that people can have.  He is also very inspiring.  For example he drives very well for having a disability, and he is so dang funny.  I cannot even read sign language and the guy makes me laugh so hard.  The other amazing thing is how he can write and use articles the correct way in a sentence.  If anything he has made me think about the way I live my life and how I treat others.  I really cannot say enough about my buddy Ian.  I know one thing is for sure, he shows me every week another example of honesty, hard work, will power, determination, and sheer relentlessness.  My buddy Ian.

Adventure

I’m a lucky man.  Actually, I’m a very lucky man.  You see it wasn’t that long ago, May 24^th to be exact, that I was driving up Highway 89 out of Gardiner, MT on my way to the airport at Bozeman.  It was about 5:30 AM, on a drizzly, cold morning, travelling next to the Yellowstone River and watching out for elk and mule deer that like to use the road but don’t share well with cars, and I was finishing up 3 and 1/2 spectacular days in Yellowstone National Park. 

So what makes me lucky?  Well, May 24^th was also our 25^th wedding anniversary.  And I’m nowhere near Florida with the blessing of my wife, Sidney.  You see, I had been in Great Falls, MT at a conference of Outreach programs, and she knew how much I had wanted to return to Yellowstone.  Her gift to me was permission to spend those extra days and stay, even though it meant I wouldn’t get back home until late on the 24th. My guess is that 99 out of 100 wives would have said, “NO WAY!”   But, you see, she understands how much those few days meant to me. 

Understand, I have a deep and abiding love of seeing new places.  While I’ve been to Yellowstone before, it has never been in the spring.  That is the time if you enjoy watching wildlife to go.  I spent my time happy as a clam, I saw more Grizzly Bears, Black Bears, Bison (many with newborn calves), and Elk than you could count.  I also saw Bighorn Sheep, Coyotes, a Badger, and of course, my favorite, the Wolves.  There is something about watching a Grizzly move a 300 pound Elk carcass around like you or I would move a hamburger around a plate that does put things in perspective.  There is a reason the place has been termed the Serengeti of North America. 

So, what does any of this have to do with Special Education or raising a child with disabilities?  In my mind, plenty.  You see our son Ian has the same bug I do.  He wants to go new places and see new things.  That desire will help take him far – not just geographically, but in life.  He wants to get out of the house and experience life.  He wants to explore and travel, to experience new things.  I’ve talked in the past about Ian’s perseverance, but perseverance without a reason for it doesn’t get you anywhere.  Ian has his list.  Australia, Denali, Hawaii, Belgium (particularly Bruges, because the town just may be the chocolate capitol of Europe, with 85 of some of the best chocolate shops in the world), and a horseback pack trip into the Hoodoo region around Yellowstone – supposedly the most remote area in the lower 48 states.   We’ll see how many he gets to in the future and how the list changes.  But the important thing is that there is a list.  If nothing else, we’ve given him the drive to get out of the house and go places and deal with the world as it comes.  That is a good thing to have given him, in my mind.

We took another step this past weekend as well in terms of new experiences.  It was a local one, however.  You see, Ian spent the weekend home by himself for the first time.  One of his friends from high school was in town, so they spent the weekend together  - a guys’ weekend so to speak.  Things went well.  Hard for me and Sidney, but great for Ian.  Our biggest concern was when Sidney briefed Ian on the 438 rules I had put together, Ian’s question back was, “so it is ok to have girls over, since you did not have a rule against it, right?”  Rule number 439 was rapidly added to the list.  But the big thing here was another one of those big steps into the wilderness of adulthood.  Another test passed, and another adventure had. 

See, the dirty little secret is that most of life is an adventure.  You don’t really know what is coming around the corner, whether it is on a trail in Yellowstone or 2 blocks from home.  The trick is figuring out what to do with whatever situation shows up at that bend.  Is it a Grizzly, or just another hiker?  You can’t control it, only use your smarts and respond appropriately.  But I’m a happy man, because for my son, as for me, we really want to see what is around that corner.  I used a quote from Antoine Saint-Exupery not too long ago in an article that basically said that you don’t build a boat by issuing orders.  You build a boat by helping those around you long for the immensity of the sea.  Think about it, and think about how it applies you your child.  I believe that it is an important part of being a child – and also an adult – all that wonder and discovery.   So teach your child.  Help them want to experience the world.  Get those first steps underway, because they will help take your child where he or she wants to go in the future.

Knowing What You Don't Know

I have a friend from when I was much younger who was something of a mentor when it came to understanding the world.  One time, when we were discussing what kinds of behaviors and knowledge made people truly good at their jobs, my friend said something to me that has stuck with me through all these years and is something that I believe applies to the relationship between parents and educators and is something all of us need to think about.

My friend said that those that can truly make things work well are those that take the time to know what they don’t know. 

That really is something that has stuck with me all these years and is something that all of us should give some thought to.  Over and over again, I believe that asking myself that question has helped me be better at what I do.  It has helped me find weak areas and learn, and discover more about what I need to know to be better at what I do.  I also discovered that the more I do learn, the more I find that out what I still don’t know and have to try and learn.  Yes, it is a never-ending cycle.  But it is a cycle that helps make me better at what I do and who I am. 

Now, how does that apply to the relationship between parents and educators?  Let’s start with parents. 

Too often, in the emotional turmoil that can go along with trying to raise a child with special needs, parents can fail to understand that the professionals they are dealing with at schools have worked hard, studying and learning and practicing their craft.  Professionals learn how to look at children and try and see that long-term potential, then envision the long term path to get a child to that potential.  Often, and especially with young children, that path can be slow.  As parents, we often don’t know how that process works.  While we have our own kind of training in the world of special needs, the staff has theirs as well.  Ask yourself how possible is it that there are things in this equation that you do not know but that the teacher or other professional does.  Do you know what you don’t know?  Maybe. Maybe not. 

It was instructive to me when an Occupational Therapist who I greatly respect told me one time, when I was complaining about lack of educational progress in, I think, 2^nd grade, that our son was really just getting to a point physically where his body was ready to allow him to learn.  They knew what they were seeing, but I did not.  Funny thing, that next year the learning began in earnest for our son.  That OT must have been right, since Ian graduated high school and is now in college.  I did not know what I did not know.  Since then, in our family, we look at everything new in special education or raising a child with a disability as a graduate level class.  Figure out what it is we don’t know.  Then start learning it.  Find the people who do know.  Tap into those resources and research.  Learn what you did not know so you can then know what you still don’t know and learn that.  It is a quest that goes on and on.

Now, let’s flip the coin and talk about professionals in the schools.  Do they know what they do not know?  Truth is, some staff are subject to the same kind of hubris that parents can be.  Many, in fact the great majority, know what they don’t know.  They also understand that when dealing with parents and raising a special needs child, there is a great deal of knowledge that cannot be found in books or a class.  This is knowledge that can only be gained by living in the world these families live in.  Staff may have a window to that world, but are not truly part of it.  Those that know what they don’t know understand this and can function with a great deal of empathy and understanding.  These professionals – and I’ve known quite a few, are some of the best to work with.  These are people who, from the family’s perspective, engender a level of trust that creates a partnership with that family that will be hard to break.  There are teachers and specialists in our life that we will remember until the day we die.  Our first early intervention specialist had a son on a college football scholarship.  She and her husband also both have cerebral palsy.  The teacher of the deaf who, while not having children of her own, looked treated the children and their families as part of her extended family.  She was never too busy to talk.  Often, and maybe more important, she was never too busy to just listen. 

But there are others.  Professionals who think the education in college or experience alone gives them all the information they need to understand families of children with special needs.  Often it is a young teacher without a lot of experience, or maybe one who does not work in a classroom or one who just does not ‘get it’. These professionals do not know what they do not know.  They may be very good at what they do – most are.  But they do not know what they do not know.  If you are one of those professionals, I have one very important piece of advice.  DO NOT tell a parent you understand what it means to raise a child with special needs.  The truth is it is a place you cannot understand unless you have lived there.  Unless you have walked through the hills and valleys, dark forests and sunlit glens, and the beaches and swamps that exist in that place, and dealt with the unique demons and knights that inhabit these parents’ dreams, you cannot understand.  Even worse for a professional who makes this kind of a claim, the parents of the child will know that you do not know what you do not know. 

So, on both sides of this educational relationship it is time for all of us, parents and professionals to stop, lose our egos, and take a good, long look around us.  Figure out what you know you know.  But above all, know what you do not know.

Then use that knowledge to keep growing as a parent or as a professional.  It will help each side meet in the middle and help that special child.

Travelling with Disabilities - the National Parks

There are 394 national parks in the United States, and they are as varied as you can imagine.  There are large parks, small parks, rural parks, and urban parks.  They are also available to families of children with disabilities.   Parks include the National Mall in Washington, DC, with its monuments and surrounding museums, Yellowstone, Fort Sumter, Gettysburg, Mount Rushmore, and Abraham Lincoln’s birthplace.  There are parks of every possible size, shape, theme, and location.  With planning, all of them are accessible to people with disabilities.  They are also fun and educational, and they are perfect for families.

What many people do not know is that there is a special pass, the Golden Access Passport, that is available to people with disabilities.  It is a lifetime pass that free to citizens or permanent residents of the United States who are blind or permanently disabled.  This passport provides access to national parks, monuments, historic sites, recreation areas, and national wildlife refuges that charge an entrance fee.  The passholder and all accompanying passengers in a private car when admission is charged by vehicle; or spouse, children, or direct family members when individual admission is charged, are admitted free.  It also provides significant discounts for camping and other services. A person with a disability simply needs to go to any park, present some documentation of the disability, and request the pass.  It looks much like a credit card. 

I mention this because our son, Ian, has had one since we found out about it.  He was about 3 when we got it and it has been used extensively.  He keeps the card in his wallet, and when we roll up to a park entrance, he presents it to the ranger at the gate and in we go.  For a family with a child who has a disability, this can be a nice money saver. 

Now, are you wondering what you can do in the parks with a child with a disability?  Honestly, plenty.  For instance, I can’t remember a visitor center that does not have a captioned or accessible movies, or interactive exhibits of some sort.    The Park Service has done a very nice job of making many of their parks very accessible to visitors.  Even at places like Yellowstone, there are walkways and even accessible camp sites in some areas of the park.  Places like Old Faithful and the geyser areas have walkways around them.  Bathrooms, even when far afield, are wheelchair accessible.  Now, can you get to every spot in the park?  No, but you can access enough of the areas of the park to have a full and enriching visit.  That being said, these parks are still wild places, places where animals roam free.  Can you see them?  Yes, often from the car or from pull offs along the road.  You may not be going backcountry hiking, but neither do 99% of the other visitors.  There are no guarantees, but for the average visitor, having a disability does not prevent you from having as good a visit as any non-disabled visitor.  And who knows, your family may actually learn something and have fun. 

Like anything else, do some pre-planning.  If you camp, don’t arrive and expect to get a campsite, much less a campsite that is accessible.  Contact the park in advance, make a reservation.  Research the park you are interested in visiting.  Find out if there are areas that may not be accessible or things you need to be aware of.  However, that is just basic planning and common sense. 

Bottom line, there are tons of National Parks and they all have different focuses.  I am sure you can find one or more that suit your and your family’s tastes.  They are enjoyable and educational places, and often quite accessible to those with disabilities.  Give it a try.  We have, and we continue to be surprised by what we find.

Travelling with Disabilities to Disney - or Winnie the Pooh’s Near Death Experience

The first time we went to Walt Disney World with our son Ian, we approached the trip with trepidation.  We didn’t know how Ian was going to manage in a park as big as Disney.  We didn’t know how he was going to do with rides.  We didn’t know how accepting Disney was going to be about a child who is not only deaf but has cerebral palsy. We should not have worried. 

That first trip (and many others following) have led my wife and I to conclude that Disney is, with proper planning, one of the friendliest places to go for a family with a child with a disability.  Cheap it isn’t, but based on personal experience and many conversations with other families who have a child with a disability as a member, I really have not heard any ‘horror stories’.    Disney and its staff seem to go out of their way to watch for, assist if needed, and do everything in their power to give children with disabilities and their families as good an experience as they possibly can. 

Now, if you are going to Disney, you do need to do a little pre-planning.  For instance, when you enter the Magic Kingdom or any of the other parks, go to the guest services office. They can assist you with information about navigating the park and making sure other park employees can identify that there is a special need involved.  This can allow access through handicapped entrances to rides and shows and cut down on wait times for the child and the child’s family.  Sometimes this alone can help make an experience so much better for a child with a disability.  Disney also interprets some shows at different times of the week.  Guest services can help identify those kinds of things as well.  Do NOT expect wheelchairs to be available without a reservation!  They do go fast. 

If you are staying at one of the park hotels, make sure that the disability is noted on the reservation.  The person can often advise on which hotels are the best fits for certain disabilities.  For instance, the Animal Kingdom Lodge’s pool entry is a sloping, zero barrier pool, as opposed to the standard pool ledge.  Take the time to talk to a Disney reservation agent about your concerns when booking.  They will do what they can to assist you and flag any issues on the reservation so the hotel will know in advance.

I want to reiterate, if you are going to Disney, do some advance planning.  The parks are huge.  Don’t try and do it all in one day.  Take breaks, especially in the summer, as Orlando can be stifling hot. It will keep the exhaustion and stress levels down, and make for a much more pleasant experience.   Get a guide book before you go.  Read it!

As a family, I can say that we have many, many very fond memories of our visits.  The one that always sticks with me, however, is the first time we went, and then 4 year old Ian, still using a posterior walker at the time, broadsided Winnie the Pooh at a dead run.  I thought he had taken Winnie out, as Winnie swayed on the verge of going down.  All Ian was trying to do way hug Winnie, who was Ian’s favorite character at the time.  Winnie’s response, and that of the handler, set the tone and let us know that it was all going to work out.  The handler, having finished stabilizing Winnie, was laughing.  Ian was still hugging on to Winnie.  Winnie turned to Ian, threw his arms out, bent, and hugged him back. 

And Ian’s two parents, who had spent months worried about how this was all going to work, just about lost it right there with the realization that all was going to be right with the world for a little while.

Family Vacation Planning - What to Think About

Many of you who know me, or who have read our OSBD newsletter know that I’m a big believer that all children benefit from going places and doing things.  Bottom line, all children should get outside the classroom and outside the home to go do things, experience things, see things and touch things.  It gives kids the ability to put a better reference on their world while opening them up to new interests and opportunities.  I truly believe that getting kids out in the world helps them learn and make those connections that will help them as they grow.  I especially believe that this applies to children with disabilities.

We have always traveled whenever we have had he opportunity.  When Ian was born, as I’m sure you remember, had a few medical issues.  When they had either resolved or stabilized during his first year, we made the decision that he was going to have the opportunity to travel and see as many things as we could arrange.  Both my wife and I had grown up in families where we went on family vacations, and wanted to continue that as well with our son. 

Ian’s first vacation was when he was 13 months old, and he will be 20 in a few months.  Needless to say, travelling has become a part of his life.  Part of our life over the years has been how to plan a vacation that will be fun, stress-free (or at least as low stress as possible), and allow us to see, do, and learn.   With that in mind, what follows are some things we’ve learned that make our trips easier that hopefully you can use in planning your trips.

First, you can go pretty much anywhere you want with enough preplanning.  If you don’t wait until the last minute, and you do your research, you can pretty much figure out how to make most activities work.  Also, by starting your planning early, you can contact airlines, hotels, theme parks, tour operators, and just about any group that you might be interested in using.  Did you know for instance that many cruise lines, including Disney, offer American Sign Language Interpreters on some cruises?  Or that Disney has a schedule for interpreted shows at the theme parks?  They do, but you have to do your research to find out when. 

Flying also presents some special considerations.  Ian just flew by himself to visit grandparents in Virginia.  When he made his reservations, he made sure to let the airline know that he is deaf and has cerebral palsy.  That is helpful to both Ian and to the airline.  The airline is able to make sure that their gate staff and aircrew know that they have a passenger that (in Ian’s case) cannot hear announcements, and may need a little bit of help getting his backpack into the overhead bin.  For Ian, he knows someone will be sure tell him when it is time to board and has piece of mind that there won’t be any untoward surprises during the process.

Second, in planning your activities, don’t over schedule.  This seems to be a somewhat American phenomenon.  The vacation as an endurance event….  Don’t do it!!!  One of the worst things you can do on vacation, especially when travelling with a child who has special needs, is to build so tight a schedule that everyone winds up tired and fussy, and on everyone’s nerves.  When Ian was younger, we used to build an initial schedule, then take out about 1/3 of the things that we had on it, and build in a ‘rest’ day every 3^rd or 4^th day.  Sure, we didn’t get to everything, but all those things we did get to were a whole lot more enjoyable for everyone. 

Third, keep your plans while on the trip flexible.  We make a point to keep our trip schedules so they can adjust to how everyone is feeling, weather, and other considerations.   Very few things were cut in stone and unchangeable.  Remember, the idea of a vacation is fun and relaxation for everyone.  Watching some folks on vacation, the old joke about the captain who tells his crew that the whippings will continue until morale improves comes to mind.  Don’t be that captain!

Fourth, whenever possible, involve the whole family in planning.   What do they want to do?  What do you want to do? What does your spouse want to do?  Try and make sure everyone gets a little bit of something.  That way it becomes everyone’s trip.  Also, it teaches everyone a bit of giving to the group and understanding things aren’t only about them.   

Finally, remember to try and have an idea on how to diffuse issues that may arise.  The younger the child, the more possibility things will pop up.  I remember the first time we went to London.  I was not going to miss two things; Westminster Abbey and the tombs of so many of the English kings and queens, and the Tower of London.  Not places a 9 year old would have a huge interest in seeing.  My wife had seen Westminster when she was in college.  So we planned a ‘rest’ morning and I went there by myself while Ian slept until about 11:00 that morning.  Then he was ready to go to the British Museum and see the mummies that afternoon. 

When it came to the Tower of London a few days later, Ian was a bit tired and grumpy when we got there.  Things were not horrible, but not particularly great.  Until we got to Tower Green and the small church where I took the time to explain this was where they beheaded folks who the king was not happy with, and that under the floor of the church were some of those dead people.  Ian’s response; “We are walking on dead people?”  Suddenly the tower became a whole lot more interesting for him.  It wasn’t kings and queens and a large part of the core of English history, but dead people underfoot.  Whatever it took, it worked. 

So, you can make travel work.  Think it through, plan, be flexible, and make it fun for everyone.  You will learn much, and so will your child.

Dads, or Into the Man Cave – Part III

This is the 3^rd part of a 3 part series of articles on dads.  If you are just joining us, I would suggest reading the 1^st and 2^nd articles as well.  In part 1, we talked about dads and their perceptions of their role in the world.  In part 2, we talked about dads and emotion.  Now it is time to take on the final part, and talk about how you can help dad be more involved.

In the first 2 parts of this series, we talked about dads’ perception of their place in the world and how they deal with emotion.  Now we need to move into what you moms need to do to help dads over their hurdles and become more involved in their families, especially those that have children with special needs.

So, where do we start?  First, when approaching a dad who is dealing with the confluence of some of the issues we talked about in those first 2 parts in this series, you moms need to understand that dads must be approached gently.  Yelling, lecturing, or telling us that we need to get our act together or wanting to know what planet we just landed from will have the exact opposite reaction from what you want.  That kind of approach will simply send your man running for his man cave to hide out, and he will start walling off the entrance. 

Let the dad you are dealing with know that he matters, and his opinion is important to you and you value what he thinks (no matter how far out in left field it may be!).  We guys need to know we actually matter when it comes to raising our families!  Try and work with whatever he is willing to give to you.  Believe it or not, dad needs to understand that his input is important in other than a role of protector and provider.  Remember, we will typically defer to you on child rearing and what we perceive as nurturing or touchy-feely roles.  These are things we are not usually comfortable with.

Also express how important he is as a role model for the children, and that you are with him because you value him for all of those things – you two are a team and the situation needs both of you to work together.  The truth is that often, guys aren’t really sure of their place in the family raising role.  They need that reassurance that they aren’t going to look foolish in your eyes or the children’s eyes. 

Get him (gently) to talk about involvement with the child – particularly a child with a disability.  Suggest alternative activities that he can do with the child other than the typical things like sports or other standard activities that may not be available or practicable in every situation.  Get him thinking outside the box and understanding the child looks up to him and wants his involvement and approval.  Again, moms, you have to walk a fine line and not allowing frustration to show through.  

The last thing to do – and this is the nuclear option – is to ask one specific question.  Ask it.  This question has no right or wrong answer, and you may not get an answer at all, but asking it will plant an important seed that will germinate in his mind.  It may take hours, days, weeks, or even months, but believe me, it will be there in his mind and will work on him and drive him to the right response. 

The question is, “Do you want your child to think about you like you think about your dad?”  If he had a great dad, the answer will be yes, and over time he will want to be that person.  If he had a lousy dad, the answer will be no, and he will want to do everything possible to not be that person.   Again, he may never answer you, but he will think.  Just lay that question (in a nice way, in a calm way, in a non-aggressive way) out there, and let it sit.  He will think on it.

Finally, realize that this is not necessarily a fast process.  You might get lucky, but the truth is, it may take time, sometimes a lot of time to get dad moving.  Give him the time, keep encouraging, and don’t give up.  Dads want to do the right thing.  Sometimes it is just hard for us.  Have patience and perseverance.  Keep at it!