Squeezed

This was a very interesting summer for me.  Ian continues to grow more and more into a mature, responsible adult.  I’m still Dad, and still am involved, but his level of independence continues to grow.  Ian’s college grades are good; he has a 3.25 overall GPA, and about 3.9 in his major field.  He has about another year in this program and he will be done with his A.S. degree.  We have also been looking at four year colleges where Ian can go to complete a B.S. degree.  We visited Lenoir-Rhyne University, and have plans to go see others.  I know that 10 years ago, I did not know that we would get here.  The hope was there, but so was the dread that such dreams would not come true.  And Ian REALLY wants to find a college that does not involve commuting from home, but has a dorm involved.  I am so happy about that – it is normal and it means he wants his independence.

  

Unfortunately, my father has had another stroke.  At this point, he won’t be going home.  Instead, my mother has finally accepted the need to move into an assisted living facility where they can be together.  She, with some help, has found a place where they can still have an apartment, but Dad will have access to the services and supports he will need.  This, however, has not been an easy process.  It has involved me, my sister, one of my uncles and an aunt.  Talking and talking and talking to my mother about the need to accept change, and the need to understand that there are certain realities in her and my father’s life that need to be accepted.  It has been something of an ongoing intervention.  

    

We seem to have hit that point where, while having a child with disabilities who is moving out of and away from the need for guidance and support, we now have a set of parents where they need more support and guidance from me and from my sister.  The parent – child roles here are well on their way to being reversed.  My guess is that this will be a permanent new dynamic in my family’s life.  

   

I’ve seen this dynamic happen to other families.  Sometimes it is in families that have children with special needs, and sometimes it isn’t, but it certainly adds to the stress levels in the family.  I guess I’m now part of that ‘tweener group of adults who still have kids to worry about but also need to be worrying about their parents as well.  

    

Where do we go from here?  Really, we just keep moving forward.  My wife and I watch with pride and relief as our son continues on his path toward an independent adulthood.  We also hold our breath watching how things progress with my parents.  We all know the end game for my father – really for all of us at some point in time – but we aren’t really sure what path he will follow in this particular journey.  Will it be quick, or a slow series of steps of decline?   The larger question in many ways to us is how will my mother deal with all this, and how will we be helping her through this process?  Again, multiple paths are available.  Will she become strong and step up, finding that strength in herself, or will she be weighed down by the stress and changes?  We don’t know yet.  We do know that we will be there somehow to help her through.