First Contact

Ian started school at 23 months of age.  Where we lived in Virginia, preschool started early for children with special needs.  By the time we left Virginia for Florida we had a pretty good relationship with the school, the teachers, and the staff in the district.  

Unfortunately, the relationship between our family and the school district did not get off to a rousing start.  After our first meeting, it took time to heal what was something of a damaged relationship.  The damage to the relationship was started by one comment from one staff person.  We did not really know any better, and under what is a stressful situation for any family – that first eligibility meeting after all the evaluations have taken place – that one comment seriously impacted our relationship with and trust of the school district.  It took time to mentally get to a point where we could actually trust everyone again.  

It did not matter that the bus driver was the equivalent of a mother grizzly bear, who would have protected those children with her life, or the teacher and staff in the preschool class, who were some of the most loving, patient and caring people you could have ever asked for to watch and teach your child.  What did matter, and what had rocked my wife and I to our core was the response to one question of concern for our son that we had asked at that eligibility meeting.  That response was, “What will it matter?  He (Ian) won’t amount to anything anyway.”  It was said by one person as a matter of fact.  No doubt, no maybe, but pure certainty.   

Without a doubt, we melted down.  Our little ray of hope for our son was simply ground underfoot by that one response, and the school system had gone from a lifeboat to a shark circling and smelling blood.  We were now trying to figure out what we could do for our young son, and how would we give him an opportunity when even the school district had written him off.

What we should have known is that the school system had anything but given up.  Everyone worked hard to help our son.  From teachers to aides to therapists and others, uniformly they worked to do whatever they could to educate and help our son.  The reality was the problem was created by one tired, jaded, and nearing retirement staffer who was burned out.  She did not represent the district, or speak for them.  She was that exception.  She was the proverbial rotten apple that had ruined the barrel.  And the reality was that the other staff people present were as appalled as we were, and that woman would never again participate in a meeting about our son, and would never again be involved with him or us.  But as stressed out parents who were trying to make it from day to day and do whatever we could to help our child, we were unable to see that reality.  All we knew was that a representative of the one group that was supposed to help us for the next 15 years had just told us our son was, for all intents and purposes, a throwaway.  

We were just like most every young set of parents in the special needs world.  We were scared and panicky and looking.  And when this happened, our reservoir of trust was emptied.  The sad part of this was that my mother was a senior employee in the county’s central office.  That is how stressful things were – even with a family connection to the district, we still could not trust that district.

This is a cautionary tale, whichever side you are on.  If you are a parent, please realize that when these situations happen, and they will happen, you cannot paint all people in the school or other organization with such a huge brush that you condemn all of them because of the actions of one.  Try and take a deep breath and suppress the anger.  Try and see that bigger picture.  Talk to someone.  Realize that one person does not make up the entire organization, and try to give others a chance.  Over the long haul, you will find that you have many, many more allies than enemies.  If you can survive the insult to your system, you can actually work more effectively for your child with all those allies.

If you are in a school district or other organization working with the families of children with special needs, or working with those children directly, or both, there is a different message for you.  That message is that you must be careful about what you say and how you say things.  One callous remark by one person in the organization can destroy that organization’s relationship with that family.  No organization needs to have that happen.  It makes things that much harder to complete your mission to educate that child and to help that family.   Be aware of this issue.  Make sure you are honest with the families, but even when being honest, remember to be sensitive of the family’s feelings and do not talk in complete absolutes about the future, because as we know, the future is always hidden from us all.