Risk

You can get run over crossing the street in front of your house.  You might not make it home in your car today.  The reality is that the world is full of risk.  One of the great fallacies in life is that you can eliminate risk.  The truth is that risk is part of life every day.  The illusion of control and removal of risk is created by our level of comfort in either dealing with, accounting for, or accepting the levels of risk that occur in our lives on a daily basis.  However, when something new is introduced into the equation of everyday life, it is possible that suddenly, the comfortable pot of soup is stirred, and often, risk is reintroduced, and with it, an element of concern and possibly fear.

What introduces that element of risk back into our comfortable, well managed lives?  Several things can.  In my world, as in, possibly, many of yours, it was the introduction of a child with several disabilities.  Suddenly things that were manageable risks, unthought-of, are raised to the level of serious concern.  The desire to protect the child, to ensure that the child’s needs are met and that it has the opportunities to be safe, protected and live a good life reigns.  Another factor that can add that element of risk is putting yourself or your family in new situations that you are not familiar with, or that have an inherent element of risk that you are not familiar with.    As you can guess, those two particular factors do not often mix well.

So what do you do in trying to raise a child with a disability and still manage risk?  Do you hide the child away, say, ‘you can’t….’ until the child begins to believe that he or she really ‘can’t’?  In my mind, that is a dangerous concept for any child, and positively deadly for the future of a child with a disability.  I want that child believing that he or she ‘can’ in all circumstances.  If you believe you can, you will try.  You will be less likely to quit or give up.  You will continue to strive to succeed.  Believing ‘you can’t’ means the child will be more apt to not even bother, or just assume there is no use to trying.  Or, if the child does try, he or she is more willing to quit at the first hiccup in the process. In other words, you are setting that child up to fail.

As a parent, you must remember that the risk in most activities is manageable.  This is not an issue of the child succeeding or failing on every attempt in an activity, but in providing that margin of safety that lowers the risk to a level that is acceptable, no matter if the child is successful.  The idea is to give them the same opportunities as everyone else, while reducing the additional risks that disabilities create.

The trick to this is to be creative and to plan.  I’ve mentioned this before, and will mention it again now.  Do not assume that there is no way for your child to participate.  Spend time and do your homework.  Problem solve, and talk to people who know about the activity.  Here are two quick for instances:  When Ian and I went to Yellowstone, there were two activities that we wanted to do.  One was a back country horseback ride.  The other was whitewater rafting.  Now, Ian is willing to try any activity.  But before we go, I researched groups and called and talked to them when we were ready to schedule.  I explained about Ian’s disabilities and about his abilities.  In both cases (and honestly, in almost every case where we have done some adventure in his life), the professionals involved had some experience and had ideas and a willingness to make the activity work.  Those people want folks to experience the enjoyment they get.  They are enthusiastic and will try.  For instance, the whitewater rafting group told me that they had done many trips taking children and adults with disabilities.  As long as they know in advance, they can plan.  In Ian’s case, there was a safety boat in the water with us.  They had an extra staff member who Ian could use for stability while climbing down the steep, crumbly bank to the put in point on the Yellowstone River.  Ian (and everyone else) had enough flotation equipment on to float an elephant and helmets.  And for an exceptionally rough section of rapids, Ian sat in the middle of the raft where he was able to hold on to a rope.  As we moved into less challenging rapids, he shifted out to the side where he could paddle, but was directly in front of me where I could grab him if necessary.  He had a ball.  He also almost fell out on the last rapid.  I caught him by his legs and pulled him back in.  The safety boat was moving in towards us as well, just in case.    The big thing through all of it was Ian, who always believes he ‘can’.

In the case of the horseback trip, I told them that we use sign language and that due to Ian’s cerebral palsy, he has a tendency to be a bit strong with his heels.  The outfitter’s response was that they have had deaf groups ride and also work with the special needs community in that area, so they could make it work.  The big issue was simply selecting a horse with the temperament that would be ok with a strong heel and would be fine with hands waving around.  That trip went perfectly.  Ian enjoys riding, is comfortable around horses, and is actually pretty good at it anyway, so it was an easy fix to allow him to do.

My point here is that there is risk everywhere in life.  It is in the things we take for granted and the things we are unsure of.  We have a tendency to disregard the risk in the things we take for granted and to overemphasize it in the things we are unsure of.  Unfortunately, so many of the things that surround raising a child with disabilities lead us to be unsure.  Try to figure out that balance between risk and trying.  Figure out as a parent how to manage that risk in ways that will let your child try and do.  Don’t let the fear of risk eat you alive.  The last thing I want to see in any child is that he or she believes that he or she ‘can’t’.